the past few thoughts

The length of the day shortens. As I rolled over in my sleep and decided that that was my sleep: a long one, I looked outside and thought five? The street lights are lit as dawn crawls.

Meat free and wholesome Friday, but slightly low once more. A week since France and happy to return to 'all this' - my current situation as I have the longest way to go, around six months (at least) for the appeal process of PIP. The knock on effect is huge. No income and no ability to pay debts. There was no problem in June...

Perhaps it's a good thing as I was becoming wreckless in my consideration. I wasn't on the right track in my consciousness. For what it's worth I listened to two chapters of ACIM, for it's soothing remedy. A timely reminder that I am not a body, I am free and I am I was initially created (spirit).

At the flat I washed my walking shirts, the polyester ones, in an antibacterial solution, which is added to the draw of the washer, as the smell of BO comes back too soon.

I should go for a walk on Sunday: I've every opportunity. The allotment can wait until Monday, after Lola, and it keeps me away from the food festival in Wetherby, down on The Ings, and LGBT pride in Leeds too... The weather may improve?

*

The current drug of choice leaves people comatose anywhere the fix hits: this morning a man, who could've been dead for all intents and purposes, has gone below the level of this dream into another 'happier' unawakenedness. All these levels. All not real.

As I sit in the railway station waiting for the X99 with my backpack and bag with food leftovers for the compost-bin - I get an occasional whiff of rotting veggies; and it's all good.

Mother's who ask their children would they like to go to WHS... I never understood that compulsion to ask questions of those who barely comprehend the reality of which they are becoming another part of. I might as well ask the pigeon by my feet if it would like to go into Pret á Manger!

Perhaps this is alcohol withdrawal. First day off yesterday for a while. Didn't have a hangover from Thursday, after the allotment, but felt tired of everything outside so locked myself in the flat and spent the majority of the day horizontal in a meditative state or snoozing, I can't recall.

The voice on the bus, who informs of the stops, actually sounds surprised at certain of the pauses along the route!

...

Back to square one.

What a lovely trip to Harrogate with Ruby and Lola which was ruined by not coming directly back to mum's after I had dropped off Ruby and fed her around 3pm. It's not so bad. But I meant to try two days straight off beer/booze. I just am incapable since COVID of not doing it. It's become habituated in me. Walking and then drinking, walking then drinking to excess too, then not walking or walking shambolically where every footstep is unsure and my vision isn't clear and don't 'see' the world I am walking through. And I just get further in debt... Something has to change ... I have to find a way to get out of this pull of unnecessary shit which just distracts me.

This is probably such a recurrent issue for many of us suffering alcohol addiction? The one day of sanity, where everything is clear, brought low and dark; into a sunless void.

Perhaps I can hang around today in Wetherby, at the allotment and cutting mum's grass, before I return to 69 Lovell Park Grange and start Monday clear of alcohol... But just one day isn't enough!

Why have I fallen off the excellent track I had been on?

Before COVID I walked from Fulda to Metz, via Frankfurt, Bingen, the Hunsrück and Trier. A very long way in some very testing conditions. And in 2020 from Lisbon to Figuera do Foz.

***

Prior to 5:30am, was awake around 5, just about to catch the sunrise as the clouds brake up and are tinged in vermilion.

Early to bed, plenty of meditations yesterday. It's been a long time since I dwelt in that kind of bliss. It feels like a pointless task, but actually it does so much good: especially breathing deeply, into pockets of the lungs where fetid gas hangs around! 

This morning I have an appointment to see the ENT department in the Meanwood Medical Centre at 8am so will walk up to it around 7, then get to Wetherby where I can manage a second day away from alcohol?

Stayed meat free yesterday, hoping off the bus in Oakwood, where I stopped for some lunch, I got back to the flat and borrowed some oil from 68 to fry off the potatoes, french beans and garlic I brought from the allotment.