31st May.

Walking along Wade Lane I finally made it to Lovell Park without being worse for the intake of alcohol... But I feel in the pits again. Going to try to make a nice mushroom sauce to go with pasta, but I think the ones I bought, reduced, are at the end of their life? They smell too much of mushroom!

***

With perseverance I turned those "passed their sell by date" fungi into a wonderful sauce. It was a creation. It took patience! I forced myself to slow down from the anxiety which has been rushing around inside my head all day...

***

Where are you going and how do you know already? Birds... across the valley from my window a gull flies north above Aldi and Porcelanosa towards a destination it already knows. Birds have an incredible sense of smell or sight or they communicate on a level we are unaware of. They are busy busy all the morning and into the evening, if we provide a street lamp... They are heading for breakfast. They don't really stop looking for food, between squabbling and mating and raising their young. They are many times beyond our comprehension.

***

What was it about Wetherby and Wetherby High School which affected me so badly? Wetherby does still cause some of my problems because I have always felt like an outsider there. Why I need to feel like an insider at all I don't know! Sometimes I can accept me as I am, but other times I really can't stand my own presence: it is usually at these moments when I want to do myself in! It's a constant thought; a vision of the entire universe without me bothering it any more! Wouldn't it be better off without me lingering in the gutter? It does get on quite well without my interferences or are there unseen consequences?

***

It's not true! There are no people in the doorways this morning. Those places are vacant. Prime real estate outside Cosmo Deluxe - defunct. What is the reason? Why sleep in a doorway? Unless you spend the night clinging to a begging income... If it's too late to go home, as there are no buses, they sleep in doorways until the morning comes along.

***

It's the final day of May and it's a wet morning, and it's pretty cold for nearly summer. It's out of my control... Unless it's a projection of my inner feelings?

And Lola gives me big slobbering kisses. It's always good to see her