The last couple of days thoughts, good and bad.

A patron. Someone to give me the security to know I can carry on walk, thinking and writing. All good artists struggle, but some are supported enough to reveal themselves in all their glory?

When I wander, lonely on the hillside, I live in hope of meeting an immortal or some being outside of my experience to show me the path I am on is not a false one.

Do I believe in magic? Well I used to be involved with AD&D quite heavily and read the Time of the Twins cover to cover, year after year, and lived in Middle Earth - Beleriand mostly, after I'd read LotR and and found it lacking - for a hell of a long time; I knew the Shire very well...

***

The dawn chorus woke me this morning just before Lola climbed in next to me. She was pretty tired last night and crawled into her duvet after a little time nestled with me, head in the space between upper arm and chest on Wednesday evening

***

Something I didn't expect to rear it's ugly face has come over the horizon once more: depression...

It's been coming along for several weeks, but this week, due to several problems which are presenting themselves, I awoke at 4 and that was me...

Ruminating. I saw me going over and over the two or three little problems, again and again, trying to work out a way to stop them blocking my mind's path.

Firstly there is the allotment situation. Now I have no agreement on any of the plot I previously thought ran down to the end of the site, but didn't, and actually stopped half way. There are two plot and I have an agreement for neither as I cancelled the original agreement to add Andy to it. I have been working very hard on them/it now for more than a year...

It feels like I have truly been wasting my time and causing various ailments to appear I wasn't aware of: knuckles, feet and knees are all in a poor state after a year of bending, pulling, pushing, twisting; fork, spade, trowel, hoe.

This morning I will have to speak to Jonathan Morton at LCC, again, to ask him what I need to do about plot 1 which I am not sharing with Andy?

Secondly, because I am suddenly running out of cash too quickly in a month, I applied for Carer's Allowance which may effect my ESA amount: bringing it down and making my financial life  thoroughly unliveable.The rising cost of living is effecting me too?

These are semi trivial issues I suppose? Except the ESA potential minefield ahead. Will see. Perhaps I needed a hit in the face to remind me how badly I cope with situations: I just saw a kitchen knife and the first thought I had was just do it... What an awful thought to have?

Now I've got to catch the 6:30 am bus to Leeds to be at the flat for a visit from the plumber to fix the leaking cistern and my guts are playing up...

***

Spoke to Glenn on the journey to the flat and I feel a little less fraught with anxiety, dread, fear - the things going around and around in my head.

The guy from Mears, whose lost a shed of weight, fixed the washer on the cistern and now I don't have to turn off the water supply at the mains every time I leave the flat, sleep, etc. It was a five minute job.

Now I've washed clothes, with the final SMOL capsule (ordered more), had a plate of black beans for breakfast, had a warm soak and turned off on the bed for a while. My guts are playing up slightly and I recall last night that the mushy peas weren't so mushy... Probably not cooked out enough!

It's a day off from Lola, Wetherby and the Allotment until I see her, it and them again on Saturday. It's Leeds and me for a warm Friday...