Saturday morning - in and out of depression.

Friday morning: Just reached the porcelain bog for a secondary explosion brought on by a hasty second espresso. One too many: this day has started edgeways and balances on the brink. Maybe it's the weather: back to cold for the last week of Spring (official).

Mum has Jean and Milton coming along soon to perpetuate the past as they reminisce of Rawmarsh, Kilnhurst, Parkgate, Rotherham and Sheffield from before the winter of discontent and decimalisation...

***

Here I am again. In despair. It's come along in waves, until I am literally drowning in it. I had to get out of bed, I forced myself when I just didn't want to move: motivation is a momentum.

Yesterday was a very crap day. From the minute mother and I had the row in the morning, until I went to bed eating a peanut butter and cheese sandwich. Dodging each other without having any more words: nothing felt good! 

Well that's not entirely true the three wonderful hours with Lola walking to Collingham via Sweep Farm and then coming back through Linton and the Golf Course. On Scaur Bank she did the spinning thing when she's happy. I had been hiding from her in the tall grass in the disused paddock before the one being used alongside the Wharfe on the way to Collingham.

But I then tried to keep out of my mum's way all day around that blissful three hours, as I am sick and tired of our constant conflict - there must be a better way?

I feel utterly pointless and am back feeling it would all be better if I wasn't here. Things on the television and in society are getting to me and then I am burning my life in an alcohol pit. I have a huge problem in my life and it's me.

I am so sorry for what I have become: I am rotten. Nothing good comes from me! Everything I come near feels like a kind of living death. I spread a badness so monotonously.

It's another day. It's got to be better... The morning is blue. I have to drag my mood out of the pit. I am not hungover: but I did need to visit the toilet regularly during the night and I have worked out I have these insomniac episodes because my body needs to visit the lavatory. It's some bodily function which prevents me shitting the bed!

When she comes downstairs I must properly apologise for my attitude and then go and spend to morning on the allotment. It's been neglected since Wednesday.

An image of walking down into Tossals Verds on the second day, along the GR221 backwards out from Pollença, came to me while I was 'depressing' to remind me of the joy I get from those different ways. Going up from Son Amer and Lluc was very very demanding, but utterly wonderful. There's me worry about having a credit card debt, during these difficult times, when I've Reus, Tarragona, the Ebro and the east coast of Spain just around the corner... I've all summer dog sitting and being in Wetherby totally to pay back the tiny amount which seems to hang like a scimitar over me.

In 2014 I owed £25k and had no way to deal with it - I sought professional help from St Luke's and I came out of it with a DRO. Currently I owe around £2k until the end of summer when I'll be clear again... Some people are juggling more balls than I could ever grasp.

The depression is going. I am fighting it. I will have a great day and a great night and be positive about the future! What's 3 more months when I've had 9 months with a poorly mother...

The dawn chorus with the background drone of the A1 before the world begins to move around once more. I definitely am Sisyphus. Let me get today right!