Depressed Tuesday...

Yesterday I felt my life had run out of purpose. A feeling that in the past my existence was going somewhere, but now seems to be going nowhere. It's a pretty bleak feeling and, no matter if it's true or an illusion, I really felt my life wasn't worth the effort anymore.

That's it - I was going to end it.

Some how, by the time I left the allotment with tomatoes in the ground, that feeling of total worthlessness had receded and on Tuesday morning I am with Lola once more, going up that hill struggling to make the next 24 hours not feel pointless.

She's done well so far as I won't feed her until seven. It's the rule! She needed a toilet break at 4am and then she got in alongside me until 6. Six! Well done the two of us! It's usually 5:30...

Blue sky all the way and it's going to be hot. We're going out at 8 to beat the heat. Up to the Racecourse the back way through Carr Lane and Swinnow Hill, I think, as it is some time since we went that way.

Time for a second cup of coffee from the regular two cup cafetière I dwell over for an hour. The comings and goings increase along York Road, behind mum's house, it's been so long since I've been to York with myself or Lola, perhaps that's where we go once this week? Getting there and back is a bind as there are so few buses. This has always been the case. This Market town is so unconnected from that mother city.

***

I never can understand why people bury themselves in a house. They buy it with a huge mortgage and then remodel or remake in their image of happiness. Currently two houses near my mother are oiling the wheels of this economy: builders, plumbers, fixers, breakers, installation... exstallation...

So I am up and down like a bleeding yo-yo this week, so far, blissful after the allotment yesterday and fantastic this morning with Lola and doing stuff in the Garden: scarification and cutting the lawn. Potting up a couple of Tomatoes. Putting canes and tying them to the plants.

But as I sit here, and something is passing through me: a out of date Watermelon slice, which caused me to defecate behind a bush near Ingmanthorpe Hall, and I feel very low mentally. It must be something in the air and will pass... I've just returned from The South, and that was a tough couple weeks physically, mentally and, obviously, financially. All I see in Wetherby are huge flashy Lamborghini, Rolls-Royce and other huge 4X4 and it revolts me... It disturbs me. And I want to live here? But I am not happy in Leeds either!