The true me.

Who am I really? The anger I feel inside is the mess left over in a life of the stranger I know not. Or knew not. Being a passenger in one's own body with thought and action pretending covering up the reality.

Today I no longer see the mysterious other much, it only comes out when I hide my true self in the habit of my lifetime: alcohol. The other me needs this habit to make an appearance, however briefly, and places a barrier on the other path.

The Course stated that but two individuals, who truly meant they wanted peace above all else, met then that would be truly enough to save the whole world and bring salvation to all minds. This is one of main consistent reasons I leave the solitary being of my abode. The bed I meditate upon numerous times a day. The absolute stillness I achieve for several hours before I head off on my next attempt at finding a true union between myself and another.

But finding a true union between two requires total acceptance of any and all individuals. Those stumbling around the Merrion Centre, and St John's, at seven in the morning and those slumped asleep in forgotten corners are a bar to my acceptance.

The instinctual (habitual?) fight or flight response makes me shudder at my inability to reach across that tiny divide. Even when Tony, homeless and muttering to himself in Wetherby, opens his mouth to be pleasant there is in me the fear something unknowable will escape his lips and put a brick wall before the way across the smallest gap!

This is me still stood at the branching of the road, quite unwilling to head off separate from where I've come from. This head space which I go round and round in achieves nothing and leaves blocked to my true self. Willingness to practice every moment, now, all the time I've been given.